DONT' BE A CHRISTMAS ASSHOLE

Let me preface this by admitting I’m arguably a Christmas asshole. For one thing, just a few days before Christmas, here I am calling other people assholes. For another, I should have posted these sage words of wisdom a week ago.

The inspiration for this seasonal bloggy thing was my standing in a long line at the local post office where I was mailing books to a friend of mine. It was Monday, December 14, and I knew that there would be a long line. Because, you know, Christmas.

Whenever I’m in a long line at the post office at this time of the year, I can count on two things happening. The first will be that someone in line will proclaim that day is the busiest shipping day of the year. I have no idea if that particular day was, indeed, the busiest shipping day of the year. I hear this claim every time I’m in a long line at the post office around Christmas. They can’t all be the busiest shipping day of the year. That’s just simple logic.

Proclaiming it’s the busiest shipping day of the year as you stand in that long line at the post office does not make you a Christmas asshole. People like to believe they are part of anything even the least bit special. If this makes your time in that long time pass a little more pleasantly, I’m happy for you.

What does make you a Christmas asshole is if, while standing in the long line, you complain loudly about the post office and especially the hard-working postal clerks behind the counter. They work hard  on not just this particular busiest shipping day of the year, but on all of the other busiest shipping days of the year. Which would be almost every day in after Thanksgiving.

Did you not expect to find a long line at the post office? Have you never mailed anything at this time of year? Do you think you will make the lines move faster by complaining about them and insulting the people trying to serve all the postal customers as quickly as humanly and electronically possible? Depending on how you answered the above questions, you may be a Christmas asshole.

Let me amend that. If you complain about my hard-working friends at the Medina post office, you are an asshole. No question about it.

Here are some other simple signs that you might well be a Christmas asshole. Pay attention closely.

If you get angry because someone says “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays” or vice versa, you are a Christmas asshole. Either one is an expression of good will and it should be taken as such. Neither is a salvo in the War Against Christmas or the War Against Non-Christians. It’s just good will. Give it a chance.

If a Nativity display on public land makes you angry, you might be a Christmas asshole. You only get to be angry if the powers that be don’t allow your own holiday display.

If you think only your religion should be allowed the use of public land, you are most definitely a Christmas asshole. We do not have a official state religion in this country. We should never have an official state religion in this country and, by the way, if you’re supporting candidates who do think Christianity or any other faith should be the law of the land, you’re one of the biggest Christmas assholes in history.

If your Christmas card photo shows your family - even the toddlers - holding guns and other firearms, you are a Christmas asshole and shouldn’t be allowed to own guns and other firearms. Because you’re not just a Christmas asshole, you’re endangering your children and you’re a menace to society.

If you are the family member who brings up politics during family holiday gatherings, you’re a Christmas asshole. That’s much worse than hitting on your hot cousin.

There are many other ways you can be an asshole, but these are some situations specific to being a Christmas asshole. Which, I think we can all agree, would be a bad thing.

Merry Christmas AND Happy Holidays, my friends.   

I’ll be back soon with more stuff.

© 2015 Tony Isabella