Wednesday, December 7, 2011


Dear friends and family,

While I don’t normally do mass e-mailings to every single person in
my address book, even those I haven’t communicated with for years,
I thought this particular e-mail, forwarded to me by someone that
I think I met in the 1990s, was so exceptional that I had to share
it with all of you...and because I’ve been hitting the holiday egg
nog early this year.

I hope you’re not offended by this message.  I wasn’t offended by
it.  It made me think.  Not the way counting the number of lights
on my neighbor’s house makes me think - egg nog, remember - but in
a different way.  A way that made me think I didn’t need to verify
its accuracy at before sending it to all of you because
its truth shone like a beacon - the egg nog - and because I think
actually checking stuff on Snopes is for pussies.

Did you know that sending out mass e-mailings of allegedly profound
philosophies or warnings about what that socialist Obama is going
to do to our country next can cause brain cancer in cute laboratory
puppies?  Many leading scientists whose names I don’t know believe
it can also cause brain cancer and liberal leanings in anyone who
sends out these messages.  Not that there’s much difference between
the two.  Fortunately, if you’ve been watching Fox News regularly,
or going to your Tea Party meetings, you don’t have to worry about
your brain.  Here, have some egg nog.

But you do need to be concerned about this:

Every time you send out one of these mass e-mailings, the liberal
media, those godless fascist socialists who seized control of all
communication to the point many God-fearing Christians and whatever
those Jews and Mormon folks are still don’t know Obama is a Muslim,
and to the extent Newt Gingrich, Grover Norquist, and Karl Rove can
barely get a word in edgewise, those liberals donate $10,000 to
Al-Qaeda to attack our freedoms!

It’s true.  Your maudlin mass e-mailings and frantic warnings about
evil liberals and health/safety risks caused by evil liberals and
their job-killing regulations are supporting terrorism.  If you’re
not an America-hater, you need to stop sending them out right now.
Do you know how many bomb-filled burqas Al-Qaeda can buy with just
one $10,000 donations?  I don’t either - egg nog and math don’t go
well together - but I bet it’s a lot.

So, please, I beg you, stop sending out mass e-mailings to everyone
in your address books.  Think of the children.  Not the ones living
in poverty and without homes in our own country.  Screw them!  I’m
talking about the unborn children. 

Sometimes I think that if a person thinks about having sex, thinks
about it and then doesn’t actually have it for the sole purpose of
procreation and not because that person at the end of the bar looks
like Sarah Palin when the light from the pinball machine hits her
just right and she’s too plastered to realize you’re no Todd Palin,
then that person is a baby-killer. Conception begins at the moment
that you think about having sex.

Where was I?  It’s kind of hard to type after putting away most of
a carton of egg nog.  I’ll probably have to go out and get another
carton in a few minutes.  My wife and kids only think they hid all
the car keys.  I keep a spare up my ass for just such emergencies.

So, if you love America, don’t send out any more of those e-mails
to everyone you know.  We need to take America back from anyone who
is left of Rick Santorum. 

Take the pledge now.  No more e-mailings about liberal threats or
health risks or risky sex with liberals. 

However, pictures of cute baby animals are still okay. 

I’ll be back tomorrow with more stuff.   

© 2011 Tony Isabella


  1. I never answer those Chain Mail letters in the E Mail. I always press delete.

  2. As someone who has spam-blocked his own mother on more than one occasion, thank you.