Wednesday, October 16, 2013

MY BLOGGY’S BACK AND THERE’S GONNA BE TROUBLE

I’m back and I’m in a weird place.  I’m feeling pretty darn spiffy
about finishing a bunch of paying gigs on or ahead of schedule, but
I’m also overwhelmed by how many things I have to do over the rest
of the year.  I’m angry as I’ve ever been at the sheer insanity of
the Republican Tea Party, even as I search (mostly, but not always
in vain) for some modicum of decency and reason in that benighted
mob.  I’m happy that I seem to be over the worst of my recent gout
attack, but concerned about the side effects of the medications I
am taking to prevent future outbreaks.  In other words, just like
the rest of my countrymen, I’m a hot mess.  If there’s any reason
for me to be as optimistic as I am, it’s that at least I know I am
a hot mess.

I’m in a reflective mood of late, wondering, for example, why I am
so endlessly amused by the jerks of our world.  A case in point is
the steaming piece of crap from San Antonio who, about a year ago,
went all whiny and angry on my Facebook page, culminating in vile
insults directed at my wife.  He was even more so after I ejected
him from my Facebook friends.  He sent me a private message filled
with more insults and threats.  I ignored his next and, I thought,
final message.  Who needs to waste time on such a jerk?

Still, I have to admit that this pathetic punk from Texas gave me
one of my best laughs of the month when, a year after I’d long and
easily forgotten him, he sent me another private message.  Just one
word.

Shithead.

This amused me.  Is he compulsively reading the Facebook page and
blog of someone he claimed to despise?  Is this some sort of “Same
Time Next Year” man-crush he has on me? Can I look forward to two
words of endearment in October of 2014? Does he have the slightest
clue I derive entertainment from his hatred?

Then there’s this tale from my world beyond the Internets.  If you
read my Facebook page, you’ve already enjoyed it.  But I wouldn’t
want to deprive those of my bloggy thing readers who aren’t among
my legion of Facebook friends.  It goes like this...

It's last Thursday morning. I am in agony from gout medication side
effects too gross for me to describe. But I have these errands that
have to be run. The last one is a trip to my local library.

It's early enough that I should be able to get a parking spot close
to the library entrance. The way I'm feeling, every second between
me and home and bed counts.

I pull in and there's an asshole who has parked his car in two
spaces. No accidental bad parking here. His car - which wasn't all
that great - was parked in the middle of two prime parking spots.
He's getting ready to leave, but there's not enough space for me to
wait for one of these two spots without blocking his departure and
the driveway.


I shoot him a dirty look and then move on. Fortunately, there's a
space near the end of this parking area. I park there and exit my
van.

The asshole pulls up to me, rolls down his window, and growls, "You
got a problem?" I respond, "Yeah, taking up two parking spaces is
a scummy thing to do."

He starts swearing at me. I take a step towards his precious car
and he gets all terrified. He guns the engine and speeds off.

I notice he goes only as far as the restaurant parking lot that's
accessible from the library lot. That strikes me as suspicious.


I go to the library entrance, but I don't go in. Instead, I stand
behind a pillar where I can see him, but he can't see me.

Sure enough, he exits his car and he starts walking back toward the
library. He's holding something in his hand. It could be a tool, it
could be a hunk of wood. It's definitely something. He's focused on
my van.

I wait until he gets maybe four feet from my van and then I press
the panic button on my keys. My van erupts in loud honking and
flashing lights and the asshole looks like he's just dropped a load
in his pants.

He takes off like a shot, races to his car, jumps in, guns it and
takes off through the restaurant parking lot exit.


This made me feel good. I hope the telling of the tale amuses you.
I don’t know why jerks do and say the things that they do and say.
My best guess is their brains are just wired wrong.  On occasion,
when I hear the nonsense spouted by the likes of Ted Cruz and other
creatures of the dumb, I wonder if humanity is sharing this planet
with a hidden race of evil clowns. 

I can laugh off jerks like my worshipful crusher from San Antonio
and even the poopy-pants coward from the library parking lot.  I
have less success laughing off jerks who actually have the power to
hurt my country and its people.  But I try.  Laughter is a pretty
good medicine.  Maybe not as good as a single-payer health system
would be or the flawed but vital Affordable Care Act is, but good
medicine nonetheless.

Stay well, my friends. 

I’ll be back tomorrow with more stuff.

© 2013 Tony Isabella

5 comments:

  1. Colleen Doran wrote a few times on her official FB page about those people who spend too much time monitoring the online presence of their "enemies" just so they can privately (or publicly) comment words to the effect of "That [terrible person]! Who do they think they are -- eating crackers like they own the place." That guy from Texas seems to fall into that category.

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  2. Tony, I always enjoy your Bloggy Thing, but this one actually made me guffaw! It's hard to type my comment because I'm laughing so hard. You are officially my Hero of the Day.

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  3. My daughter's school has had problems with parents parking wherever they see fit - rules don't apply to them. Following our fundraising event, we were walking home and I saw where one of these cars moved the no-parking cone (that is always there) so their parking would be more convenient. I simply replaced the cone in its correct position, albeit about four feet above where it normally stood. As we walked on, I heard someone shout behind me, "Hey thanks for putting the cone on my car!" We ignored it and walked on home. I confessed my action to the principal the next day and she said, "Good." She's tired of these yahoos too.

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  4. Michael Kelly SchurmanOctober 16, 2013 at 2:42 PM

    I had read your account of the library-parking-lot idiot on fb. I enjoyed reading it both times. When I was younger and had cars I didn't mind getting dinged up even more than they already were, I was known to occasionally park very, very close to the driver-side doors of such double-space parkers.

    I'm so sorry the other troll you wrote of was from Texas. We do seem to have more than our share of folks who "just ain't quite right in the haid," as many in my grandparents' generation put it.

    I'm battling the desire to defend my home state. Even liberals, progressives and old socialists like me love the open space, the mythos and the libertarian attitude which infuse our daily social and political lives. If you've read any of my political posts on fb, I hope you at least know we're not all idiots.

    As for the right-wing crazies and their shenanigans in D.C. the last few weeks, I wish I could see the humor. On an individual level I know it's healthier to laugh, but I'm pretty frightened at the moment.

    There is a direct line from the pre-Jerry Falwell Religious Roundtable all the way to Ted Cruz. (Did you know Cruz's father has an evangelical business called the Flaming Purification Ministries?) These people do not believe in our form of government and have been planning it's destruction for a long time. They are not only the obvious (liars and fools), but also a threat to our democracy and well-being. They are criminals and traitors and should be considered as such.

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  5. Tony, I've been missing your bloggy self throughout your absence, hoping you were healthy and well. This was one great column! I'm in total agreement with all you said.

    I have a secret fear that one day I'm going to snap, and start punishing all the cars that are taking up two spaces, and smashing the windows of rude drivers. I will call myself The Avenger, and leave a calling card under their windshield wiper to that affect. Marvel Comics will track me down and sue me.

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