Thursday, July 23, 2015

SHARKTOPUS VS. WHALEWOLF

Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf, the third movie in the Sharktopus series, debuted Sunday, July 19 on the SyFy Channel. When I review a film, I usually rely on the Internet Movie Database and Wikipedia to get my cast and crew facts right. Alas, for this movie, the former is less than complete and the latter is non-existent. I will press on as best I can.

Having survived Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda, our title star has made the shores off the Dominican Republic his new feeding grounds. At the same time, a mad scientist is injecting a washed up ballplayer with the DNA of a killer whale and a wolf. Standing against these forces of not-nature are an alcoholic boat captain, his first mate and his police officer ex-girlfriend.

The best thing about this movie may be Casper Van Dien’s portrayal of Captain Ray. Van Dien plays the drunken seaman for both laughs and tragedy. The viewer can feel bad for the way this brave, good-looking man has screwed up his life. My tolerance for funny drunks is pretty much zero because I’ve seen too many bad things come from real-life alcoholism. I used to love Dudley Moore in Arthur. Now I can’t watch that movie. If Van Dien’s character was nothing but a clown, I might not have been able to finish watching Sharktopus Vs. Whalewolf. It was still rough sledding.

While watching the movie, I got the feeling director Kevin O'Neill and whoever wrote the screenplay were all “We created Whalewolf and now our job is done.” For the first three quarters of this movie, it was little bits of character and a thin plot and lots of bloody victims. It seems like there was a new victim every five minutes or so. Like the body count was on a schedule.

Director O’Neill, co-founder of Visual Effects Studio Flat Earth Productions, Inc., has an impressive resume. He supervised special effects on over sixty movie and TV productions and, counting this movie, has directed six features. The others were Dinocroc (2004) and Dinoshark (2010), both of which I enjoyed; Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader (2012) and Dracano (2013), which I own but haven’t watched yet; and last year’s Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda, which is my least favorite of the Sharktopus movies.

Reviewing this movie seems to require one of my lists of its good, bad and ugly points. But, first...

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The good...Van Dien. I have under-appreciated this actor in some of my past reviews, but he’s terrific as the flawed hero of this film.

The ugly...Sharktopus got a slight redesign that made his face look like something out of a Pixar movie. He actually seems to smile on occasion. He’s also kind of a malicious dick.

The good...voodoo. Captain Ray goes Sharktopus hunting because of a debt he owes a voodoo priest. When Ray manages to bring him part of a tentacle, the voodoo priest uses it to control the creature. At the end of the movie, the priest’s sister uses voodoo magic to create a new Sharktopus. I like the addition of this supernatural element. They should run with it in the next movie.

The best...The scene where Captain Ray tries to describe Sharktopus to the voodoo priest. The priest draws a sketch of the monster and shows it to Ray. In amazement, Ray asks the priest how he knew what the creature looked like. The priest rolls his eyes and asks Ray if he ever heard of the Internet.

The bad...Catherine Oxenberg as the horny mad scientist trying to create the perfect human. She speaks with a terrible Belgian accent and comes off like Zsa Zsa Gabor if Gabor was a Nazi. I would grit my teeth whenever Oxenberg spoke. Nails on a chalkboard would be a symphony in comparison.

The bad...Oxenberg’s assistant nurse is a “Naughty Nurse” stereotype. Think a Bill Ward drawing when the artist was having a bad day.

The not-so-good...Oxenberg treats Whalewolf like a big dog. Though I rolled my eyes at that stuff, I did laugh at the creature peeing in her laboratory. I hated myself for that.

The good...while the body count feels more like a body count quota, the movie does allow us to get to know some victims. In most cases, they aren’t pleasant people. I’m down with movies that kill reality show producers, directors and cast members. These movies are doing God’s work.

The tragic...One of the victims is an aging actress who had gone to the voodoo priest to be made young again. She tries so hard that I felt bad when Sharktopus ate her. What a dick.

The good...Akari Endo as Ray’s ex-girlfriend. Her character was a nice mix of tough and vulnerable.

The good...Kudos also to the actor who played Ray’s first mate. He gave good sidekick.

The “I don’t know how I feel about it”...Sharktopus chases Captain Ray through a mall. Some slapstick humor made me smile, but random chomping of shoppers made me yawn.
 
The bad...the various battles between Sharktopus and Whalewolf are boring. We’ve seen it all before. Nothing new there. Compare these fight scenes to the ones in Mega-Shark vs. Kolossus, which I felt were much more interesting and original.

The good...The movie picked up steam in its last quarter. The final confrontation between the creatures...and between the creatures and the heroes...is kind of exciting. The death of Sharktopus is cool. The death of Whalewolf is anti-climatic.

The missed opportunity...Mario Arturo Hernández was interesting as the ballplayer who becomes Whalewolf, but it would have been more interesting if he changed back and forth. The character came off as just another delusional macho creep when he could and should have been a tragic figure. Give us a monster to root for.

The question...Some characters are bitten by the Whalewolf and not killed. What happens to them at the next full moon?

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Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf had its moments, but it wasn’t a triumph of B movie magic. It’s worth watching once, but it’s not going to be something I go out of my way to see again. Let’s hope the next
Sharktopus movie recaptures some the goofy wonderment of the first movie. That would be a very good thing.

I’ll be back tomorrow with my review of 3-Headed Shark Attack. See you then.
            
© 2015 Tony Isabella

1 comment:

  1. Sadly, we have been having problems with our DVR. We couldn't record anything for several days, so I missed out on most of these. Fortunately, it was fixed the other day and I was able to get Sharknado 3. I caught a few minutes of Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf and was laughing out loud. I'm going to have to try and get all these other SyFy films in repeat. Love your reviews of these.

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