HO-HO-HORROR: CHRISTMAS BLOOD

Before we get started today, I want to wish each and every one of you “Happy Holidays!” Yes, that’s right. I wrote “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” Because this is my continuing assault on everything you hold dear. Sure, rational people understand that both greetings convey good will, but I’m going after the irrational bozos among you. Because, this year, Santa isn’t just deciding if you are naughty or nice. He’s added third and fourth boxes to his checklist. Maybe you’re naughty. Maybe you’re nice. But, this time around, delusional and just plain stupid are also options.

This is your Not Drunk Uncle Tony coming at you with today’s review of yet another Christmas-themed horror movie. Who needs alcohol if you can be this obnoxious without the hard stuff?

Today’s cinematic “War on Christmas” salvo is Christmas Blood, the 2007 Norwegian horror movie written and directed by Reinert Kiil and starring actors you’ve never heard of playing characters named Etterforsker and Fengselsbetjent.   Here’s the lengthy summary of the movie from the Internet Movie Database:

Murderer gets caught after terrorizing and killing people during Christmas night for past 13 years in Norway. After being in solitary for almost 6 years, psychopath escapes couple days before Christmas night. Police tracks next target of the psychopath to be in small village in the northernmost part of Norway. Group of friends are having reunion in the same village and unexpectedly end up being in part of Santa's plan.

SPOILERS AHEAD
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Christmas Blood takes a long time of its 104-minute running time to get going. The movie opens with a flashback to the seeming death of the serial killer, who doesn’t die despite being shot a few times in the head at close range. Like when lying on the ground after he was shot a few other times. Unless I’m missing something because of the sparse dialogue/captioning, the detective who shot him is not informed that the killer survived. Apparently, it’s not revealed to the public either. I mean, what could go wrong with locking up this guy who won’t die and who attacks hospital workers on occasion and who eats nothing but porridge?

The flashback is shot very dark. At first, I thought it was to hide the gore. After a while, I decided the camera work just wasn’t very good. The film’s visibility comes and goes.

The movie also takes a lot from other movies. The killer is said to be a creature of pure evil much as Michael Myers is characterized in Halloween. He goes around in a Santa Claus costume swinging an axe like a number of other holiday horror movies. The police are mostly wildly incompetent.

Apparently, the killer is working through his own “naughty or nice” list of people who have committed crimes. During his incarceration, he fell behind on his schedule. Some of his intended victims died while he was locked up. One woman, who was on the naughty list and the mother of our final girl, killed herself. Don’t worry. The Santa from the block with the axe isn’t that picky. He’ll even kill folks not on his list.

The final girl’s college friends come to visit her in a town that seems deserted. Maybe her neighbors all decided to go someplace a bit warmer and less bloody for the holidays. Besides the friends, we get the fiancé of one of the other girls and two jerks who come to the house via Tinder.

Other key characters include the original detective who thought he had killed the hatchet-wielding Santa and the current detective on the case. They never really bond.

With the exception of the final girl and one of her friends, most of the other characters are nasty pieces of work. Some of them are intent on asking the final girl question after question about her mother’s suicide. The one black character has sex with the fiancé of one of the other girls and is an utter shit throughout the film. The fiancé can’t keep his Little Richard in his pants. Most of the other girls like to play scary pranks on the final girl. And those two Tinder jerks, one of them tries to rape one of the girls while she sleeps. The other...

Okay, the other nice character is a beautiful girl who can’t speak and who wears sexy holiday outfits and lingerie. She’s quite eager to do the whim-wham with the non-rapist Tinder guy until he calls her a retard. Smooth, man.

That’s the cast. The retired detective wants to kill Santa and the other one wants to take him in. At one point, the retired detective drugs the other one to get his gun. This gets the drugged detective killed.

Some of the deaths are well-staged. Most of the blood resembles the thin syrup is almost certainly is. The only murder that got to me was that of the girl who couldn’t speak.

The retired detective blasts away at the serial killer in the snowy main road of the empty town. He puts him down and shoots him in the head again. When he turns to check on the final girl and then turns back, Santa has taken a powder.

I’m not quite sure what happened in the final scenes. I think that the final girl drove away. I know the retired detective went back to the house where the still-living current detective is bleeding to death while wrapped in Christmas lights. There’s a gunshot, but I’m not sure if the retired detective mercy-killed the other cop or if he shot himself. The killer is last seen at a distance, standing in the middle of the street.

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Christmas Blood was originally released as Juleblod. It received a 4.3 user rating from the Internet Movie Database. I would rate it much lower, but a good part of my disdain can be attributed to the poor camera work, the sparse information given in the subtitles and the unsatisfying ending. Your murderous mileage may vary.

Come back tomorrow for more ho-ho-horror.

© 2018 Tony Isabella