Thursday, December 20, 2018

HO-HO-HORROR: TWO FRONT TEETH


My War on Christmas continues with another cinematic treat for you to wash down with a glass of all the presents you didn’t get from Santa even thought you were really good that year. It’s the full-size Dick Sprang Batmobile with that big freaking bat on its front that would have allowed me to terrorize the bullies who terrorized me as a kid. It’s the puppy my wife won’t give me this year. It’s the sight of the Dumpster President doing the perp walk as he’s led from the White House in cuffs. Yeah, it’s all the great stuff that you and I totally deserve that we’re not getting this Christmas. Or maybe any Christmas. Santa and Jesus need to get their holiday shit together!

Made for the princely sum of $200,000, today’s ho-ho-horror movie is Two Front Teeth (2006). Written by Jamie Nash, directed by Nash and co-conspirator David Thomas Sckrabulis, this comedy horror film stars Johnny Francis Wolf and Megan Pearson as a couple with more important things to worry about than their marital problems. Here is the Internet Movie Database summary:

It's the night before Christmas and Gabe Snow, a tabloid writer haunted by the Ghosts of Christmas past, is investigating a Yule Tide conspiracy. Gabe knows that Flight 1225 was brought down one foggy Christmas Eve, by a flying creature with a "glowing nose". Now, a blood-sucking Vampire - Santa Claus - has put Gabe on his list and unleashed the demonic fury of the North Pole. An army of zombie elves, who have no interest in Toys or pointy hats or dentistry, are about to turn Gabe's white Christmas blood red. Will Gabe find the true meaning of Christmas? Can he stake a heart that's two sizes too small? What will he find under his tree?
 
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If one didn’t know this was a low-budget film, the poorly-devised animated sequences that cover some of the movie’s major plot points would tip you off. Most notable is the event that drives the film. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is hit by a passenger plane, which then crashes killing all on board. The enigmatic Pete [Joseph L. Johnson] puts the fatally injured Rudolph down and takes the creature's glowing nose. This is something we learn later in the movie as we also learn the nose has amazing powers on its own. But let’s turn to our hero and heroine.

Wolf plays reporter Gabe Snow like a timid Clark Kent who is not just pretending he’s timid. As his wife and others characterize him, he's kind of a pussy. He has his own seriously screwed up issues with Christmas, which makes him working for something called The X-Mas Files a really odd career choice. Gabe’s passion for writing mostly bogus stories about Christmas mysteries has estranged him from his wife, who is currently cheating on him with a mall Santa.

Pearson is absolutely wonderful as Noel Snow, who is passionate and kinky and really bad-ass when it comes to fighting demonic elves. Yes, there are demonic elves. There are also warrior nuns who have taken a vow of silence and are known as the Silent Knights. This is that kind of insane and insanely hilarious movie.

The vampire Santa seeks Rudolph’s nose. Pete and the Snows have to prevent that from happening. Before the end of the movie, we learn the secrets of the evil Santa and those of two other immortal icons of holidays. I don’t want to reveal more because I don’t want to spoil this film  for you. I liked it a lot and think you will, too.   

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Running 85 minutes, Two Front Teeth does drag on occasion, but not for long. It shows its low budget frequently, but overcomes those financial limitations with a “can do” madness, comically horrific special events and the earnestness of its actors.

Pearson is especially fun, even though she has but five credits on her IMDb entry. She doesn’t seem to have appeared on screen since 2007, which is a shame. I think she could have been a great heroine for movies like this one.

Two Front Teeth is highly recommended by me. Heck, I think it will hold up over multiple views. As full of humbug as I am at this time of year, it bought me some silly joy. It goes on my nice list.

You’d better watch out, my beloved bloggy readers. Because I’ll be back tomorrow with another cinematic assault on Christmas.

© 2018 Tony Isabella

1 comment:

  1. I just found and watched this on YouTube, though I have a sneaking suspicion that I might have caught the movie somewhere a few years ago and mostly forgot about it. The print is awful. That said, 'Two Front Teeth' is at least worth one viewing.

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