Monday, December 2, 2013


My war on Christmas begins this week.  My fascist, liberal, Muslim,
secular, jack-booted socialism, pagan violation of all that’s held
dear by the devout, heroic, gun-toting, vote-suppressing, callous,
job-creating patriotic real Americans begins this week.  It’s like
Hitler and slavery all rolled up into one giant Christmas stocking
of depravity.  Heck, it’s worse than Hitler and slavery on account
of I’ll probably say something mean about Sarah Palin this month.
I am the enemy of all that is good.

My war on Christmas will begin with my figuring out everything I
have to do before Christmas.  In other words, I will make a list of
everything I have to do before the holidays because that’s half of
the battle right there.  Can I hear an “amen?”

That was a trick question because I am a godless heathen.

Once I have my list, I will start knocking items off that list like
I was a Kenyan bent on taking away all your rights.  I will get the
perfect gifts for those I love.  I will clean the house and try to
keep it clean.  I will write and send out those holiday cards.  I
will plan my annual holiday gatherings and try to avoid scheduling
more than one such gathering on any given day.  I will remain sane
and be an anchor for my Sainted Wife Barb when she starts going a
little Christmas crazy.

I will continue to use “Christmas” and “holidays” interchangeably.
I will continue to mock those who have a problem with this.  Either
one is an acceptable expression of good will towards men.  If your
God is bent out of divine shape about this, he/she/it ain’t much of
a God.

My Lord and Master Godzilla celebrates the season by not stepping
on you.  Though Mitch McConnell and John Boehner are asking for it.

I will try to read several heartwarming holiday stories this month
and watch several heartwarming holiday movies or TV shows.  I must
know this Christmas on which I make war.

I will disguise my boundless evil by being of a good cheer towards
all men and woman and animals that don’t bite me.  You will wonder
if I am one of Santa’s elves sent to rekindle your own love of this
season. Your fate is sealed.

Christmas is doomed.

I’ll be back tomorrow with more stuff.

© 2013 Tony Isabella


  1. Please allow me to be a loyal foot soldier in your vile and evil war on Christmas. If we all work together, we can topple the forces of Fox News and usher in a terrible new age of darkness, with background checks for weapons and legal marriage for all...

  2. Michael Kelly SchurmanDecember 2, 2013 at 1:13 PM

    Can I hear an "Amen"?

  3. Jon Stewart should hire you as a writer for the Daily Show.

  4. One of my Holiday Traditions is posting my own musings on the War on Christmas. I might have passed this on to you before; in case I haven't, here it is again: "The Two Christmases" --

  5. I have a few ballistic nukes of my own aimed at Christmas this year, all starring one Satan Claus, who emerged full-blown out of my fevered brain one night after reading too many Simon Bisley comics back in the day; and yes, one of them's going to be called "War on Christmas". Come to think of it, I'd better edit and repost the original one while there's still a Christmas this year to war against...

    Memo to BillO: Incoming!