Godzilla often reveals things to me. This is fitting because I am
the pastor of The First Church of Godzilla (Reform), the one true
church of the Great Scaly One. That he speaks to me should be no
less fantastic than when your less atomic Supreme Beings speak to
their servants here on Earth.
This is December, which should be a time of good will towards all
men. Godzilla is unhappy about this.
Let’s be clear about something. Godzilla isn’t unhappy because of
the “good will towards men” stuff. He approves of that. The more
good will, the less likely you are to be such massive dicks to one
another than he has to make with the tough love, the fiery atomic
But, unfortunately, too many of you are dicks to each other during
what should be - say with me - a time of good will towards all your
fellow men. Can you possibly unclench your butts long enough for
me to explain Godzilla’s teachings to you?
Just because some idiot pundit tells you there’s a war on Christmas
or some such does not mean you have to enlist in it. It’s not like
those Fox News people are even human. Take away their heat-lamps,
disguised as spotlights, and they will retreat into the alien rocks
that protect their natural worm-like forms.
If someone puts up a “Baby Jesus” display at this time of the year,
you should not take it as a personal affront. It’s not hurting you
in the least. It only hurts you if they don’t let you put up your
religious display on your holiday. Godzilla and his church - The
First Church of Godzilla (Reform) - believe public spaces should be
allowed to be used for such things so long as any religion or even
non-religion has equal access to them. Set up a damn schedule and
get over it.
Whether someone wishes you a “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays”
or any other variant on these expressions of good will, don’t take
it as an insult. It’s an expression of good will. Run it through
your universal translator so that it becomes whatever expression of
good will you prefer. Get over it.
Godzilla is equally accepting of all faiths. As he once told me in
“Christians, Muslims, Jews, Atheists...all of them feel exactly the
same when they are squished beneath my feet. Why do they make such
a big deal out of this? You want to talk about a “big deal,” talk
about the big-as-a-skyscraper mutant dinosaur who can go nuclear on
your ass if you piss him off.”
The message of Godzilla at this time of year is simple:
Don’t be dicks to one another. Be nice. Or else you’re gonna get
a “folly of man” beatdown that they’ll feel all the way to Planet
X. And, while we’re talking, stop building those robot imitations
of the Great Scaly One. Not really the sincerest form of flattery.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all followers of the one true
Godzilla and all readers of this blog. I bless you in the names of
Godzilla and Mothra and Rodan.
I’ll be back tomorrow with more stuff.
© 2011 Tony Isabella